Because that's how I mostly feel sometimes.
==============================================================
This emotional disturbance is not caused when the girls' crush rejected them (which did happen to me last year, but that's not my point), instead is caused by...I'm not really sure but I guess it's me? Have you had the feeling when you see someone who is totally motivated to do something and you don't feel the drive to do anything? I do. All the time, until I got used to it and didn't even realize I was experiencing it all this time. I've seen it in many people like in my parents, my sister, a few of my friends, guys who are passionate about sports and my art teacher (I couldn't list them all down because it's too many). All this time, I've been trying to figure what's wrong with me and every time I didn't get it right, I get frustrated and angry. I couldn't find the right answer until recently when I was resting in my room, scrolling through Instagram and the Whatsapp messages that I got. I realized that I'm not motivated to do anything at all.
Maybe some people (including my friends) would think I'm self-motivated but really, I am not at all. I have to depend on other people for motivation and it's frustrating that I couldn't motivate myself at all. My sister and my parents has no problem in motivating themselves but why can't I? So, I guess I'm really angry at myself that I'm unable to push myself to do things that I really want. All these anger had exploded during tonight's dinner when I told my family that I couldn't do things that I really want.
At the time, I feel like I should blurt it out because I couldn't understand it properly. It was supposed to be a happy family time but I ruined it with my 'emotional disturbance'. Tears flowed out of my eyes when my parents keep coming up with stupid (at that time, I thought it was stupid because of my ego and anger taking over) hypothesises like I can only find consolation in other people like my friends. They even told me if that's the case, then they want me to 'get a life' without them. I furiously defended myself (sorry guys, but yes I was mostly defending me) that I have this problem since forever, way before I met you guys.
And so, they came up with another hypothesis that I'm only motivated when people praised me. I told them that it might be true but I still don't feel a very powerful urge to draw something. I only draw when I feel like it or obliged to. Then, they said many other hypothesises that I couldn't remember but to me, at the time, it was very offending.
Later, I remembered about me complaining that my mum wasn't there when I was a baby. She told me that she was there but I fired back that she was there physically but not emotionally. My mum and I debated a bit about it after. She said that she have to put her Master's degree on hold when she had me. I don't remember what happened after that but I remembered the tears that flowed out even more when she said that she doesn't understand what she did wrong to make me like this, me being so 'uninterested'.
My dad made a point that she should arrange a visit to the fashion school that me and my mum were interested in this year. We didn't manage to go last year but to be honest, it really is my mum's fault for not letting me go to see the school last year. She said that she tries to book a visit but she keeps forgetting it. We had a lot of free time after the trip to Indonesia even my mum got lots of free time but we didn't go. I was secretly angry at her for a while but I discarded the feeling away. My mum reluctantly agreed but she said that even that doesn't motivate me. The motivation must come from myself, she told me. I know but I tried so hard but I feel so...unmotivated. I guess from the tears continuously flowing from my eye sockets, I was angry about that.
When I told her repeatably that I just couldn't find the motivation in me and out of nowhere, she started to cry. She sniffed while the tears come out and managed to say, "Should we try therapy?". I don't know why she was saying that so suddenly so I blurted out a "what" with the tears drying on my cheeks. How does it feel when your mum or dad asked you if you want therapy? It'll make you feel that you're crazy. My mum was saying that her and my dad couldn't find the right answers (or did my mum say "our hypothesises that we keep coming up with is wrong"?). Whatever it is, I do not want therapy. So I mumbled angrily that I do not want it.
My mum, distraught (is that the correct word?), told me that she is "relieving" me off my fashion designer duties. I cried even more. I don't know how is that possible with my tears already continuously flowing that I cried even more. But I just did. She thinks that she is pushing me to do what I do not want to do, like designing fashion. Inside, I broke a bit and my inner thoughts were pleading, "Please give it back! Give it back!". I guess I really want it, the duties as a fashion designer. Isn't my tears of pleading not enough?
My mum, wiping the tears away said that I have to find my motivation and that I can do anything I want for now. I feel like shouting at her but I don't know what I will blurt out so I kept quiet, crying. When I couldn't stand the atmosphere anymore, I mumbled if I could go to my room and my dad said "okay, you're okay". I don't know if he's saying that to comfort me or not but it did little to give me any consolation. When I locked myself up in my room, I kept saying "What did I do wrong? Why am I always like this?" while crying.
You guys may not know this but I'm the black sheep in my family. So different from almost every aspect of my family except the looks but you know what I mean. Although my mum was the one who called me that but I believe it's 100% true. I'm moody and they're always happy. I lack in motivation and they're always with a powerful drive. I'm cold and they're warm. Almost all of the personalities that my family had was almost completely opposite of mine. I guess that's why I always fought with my parents. We had different thinking. It was always like this.
I would feel alone with what I truly feel and think. That's why I feel so unmotivated, I guess. I don't like feeling alone but it's a feeling that I gotten used to since I was in primary school. Although I'm glad that people talked to me, I can't help feeling unsatisfied. Maybe it's because I kept my true feelings inside?
If you're now doubting about me being honest when I confessed to Cat the last time, I'm telling you I was not lying when I said I like him. It's quite rare for me to feel anything like this for any guy. Although I can have see-crush (Rayne's term of calling those people that you fall for when you only see them), but this one is different. I'm glad that I confessed to him because I know that I was being honest. My true feelings came out. It's...really rare.
I have to say that my true feelings do come out when I'm with other people like my close friends but (definitely and especially) my family.
I still feel angry though. I don't know but I'm seriously considering this therapy thing. I am emotionally unstable so maybe I need it.
=========================================================
