Ramblings of a Sick Person

Two more days before the start of January and I'm sick. What the hell? I want to finish revamping my blog and start posting in my new photography blog soon. But circumstances doesn't allow me to when my body starts to feel numb and tired. Right now, my head's pounding and my throat's on fire. Ugh. Being sick is one of the worst feelings ever. I repeat, EVER.

While I'm typing all this, I'm also downloading Dropbox on my computer. Dropbox allows me to link with my phone so that I could upload files from my phone to the computer. It is a beautiful app, really. Those who likes to take photos from their phone and would like to upload them to their blog from their computer should definitely give this app a try. 

Anyway, my photography blog is so empty. It makes me want to laugh but I don't really have a voice to do that so that's out of the option. AND I'm still waiting for the bloody photos to be uploaded to my computer so that I can post them up. But of course, my wifi sucks and it makes me want to beat it up. That's also out of the option since I'm sick and I could only give it a measly pat. *cough* So, if you guys would still like to see my hilariously empty blog, you can check it out through here.

Let's see what else? Oh right. I need that water. Hold on a few minutes. 

I'm back.

Okay, so right now since I'm sick, I have this weird emotional phase that make me think of stuff. I'm rambling again, whoops. Back to the point, I need money. I need the money to pay my flight to go to the university that I want to go and to pay my tuition fees. Yes, I still take art class. I might do something with my blog like putting the ads on here or something. Does it make sense? Haha. I'm not really sure about this because I don't want to make my personal blog into like a marketing tool. But, I don't really have much of a choice. My parents are sort of running out of money because they're using their savings to build a new house. So, I'll be taking a part time job. Maybe in my dad's company, working with my aunt or set up a tuition for primary kids (the last option is the least favorite option because I don't have the confidence to teach).

It's still a little unsure at the moment. But, I need some advice about all this. 

Help.

My sickly ramblings ends here. 

Ta-ta.

The Usual Updates

Christmas is over (late merry Christmas by the way :3 ). Last week was so hectic, I swear I couldn't really keep up. I had to go to so many places at different times just to prepare for Christmas and what's worse, I haven't even finish editing the photos from the old photoshoot. Well, it's mostly done, sort of. I'm still not satisfied with how some of them turned out :/ BUT I finished editing with the recent photoshoot :D There were some that were really good and I hardly edited them except increase saturation or added some filters. So, I'll be posting them in a new blog. Yes! A new blog! Hope I could keep up with it though >_<'' I'll put up the link in the next post soon :)

Anyway, revamping my fashion blog was delayed too. Thanks to Christmas. Sorry Santa. I'll probably start posting new stuff and designs on New Year. Which is like only 3 days away!! :o So I'm gonna be busy doing all that revamping unless I'm lazy. I'll also push myself to post every week on that blog unless I have no inspiration. But I will still post some random sketch just to fulfill the minimum. Besides, this could be my gateway to my future (a.k.a. university).

I'm also on Instagram lately. Scrolling through my feed and talking to people on my personal account and managing and trying to gain followers on another account that I co-owned. It's a quotes account. You should follow it --> @quietly_hidden :D I just promoted that account yay! 

P.S. Let's pray for the missing plane QZ8501 guys! It's already sad enough with Kelantan facing the flood and the other two plane tragedies. So pray for God's mercy to be bestowed upon Southeast Asia. Thank you.

What's up?

It's been forever I've been on this blog. I apologize. But now since high school is over, I will post more often (yayy woohoo *inserts all cheering here*)

Anywayyyy I'm going to announce a few updates to my blogs. 

First, this blog is still gonna be my personal one (what? You think I'm going to change anything? Pshhh no). The thing is, I might not be on here often because there's already Instagram to worry about. (If you have Instagram, go follow my personal one @_pure_admirer)

Second, I'm going to revamp my other blog The Fashion Designer Wannabe. Yayyy!!! *inserts more ridiculously annoying cheering here* Ehem...so I'm going to delete that old ugly drawing and I'll post new ones. Boo yah! But I might not be on there often too because I've got other sites to take care of too. Not to mention my jobless life.

Third, I might make ANOTHER blog to post the old and new photos from the photoshoots that I've done with my friends over the years. I have like trillions of photos that are waiting for me to share to the Internet world. Okay...trillions is a little exaggerating. Maybe hundreds, tops? Note that I MIGHT make another blog because I'm not sure if I could handle the pressure of three blogs. Maybe my friend can but me...err...not conclusive.

Okay...so that's it about my blogs. Now I want to update on my story (dun dun dun!) 

I posted it on Wattpad (thank you friend for introducing me to the beautiful site *blows Internet kisses* you know who you are) and so I won't be posting te story here anymore. I'm only going to post some updates I guess on the characters and some sneak peeks but other than that, you gotta find it through this link-->http://w.tt/13x6KM6 

Oh, did you notice my new cover for the story? I'm quite proud of it hehe :)

Anyway see you soon! Hopefully. I'm just joking. I'll probably post next week to announce the new revamped blog and (possibly) my new blog :D

Deciding the Actors for Ben & Camille

Exactly what the title said, I'm deciding which celebrities should play the characters in my story. I mean, that if my story gets the media attention and decided that they want to make a movie out of it, they don't necessarily have to pick that same actors to play the roles. I'm just using them as an inspiration. It's hard sometimes to imagine characters without any basis to them so I decided to use the celebrities as guidance to my imagination. I found some pictures of some hotties that I think suit the roles of Ben and Camille. I've chosen a few based on my not so fancy analytic skills. But the girls that I chosen seems to um...you'll see. Let's start with Ben since he's not that hard to decide unlike Camille.

I want Ben to be strong, a bit muscular (remember, he's a football player!) and attractive. Not entirely handsome but still attractive. He's also quite smart, which means he doesn't get F in his tests. He usually get Bs or Cs. You guys should also remember that his parents left him and his sister so yeah, need some dudes who can show some emotional coldness to some things. Anyway, back to physical features, I imagined him as a (western, not Chinese or Korean!!) dude with average height and dark brown hair. So here you go...*throws some pictures*

May I introduce you Ben's no. 1 candidate...Callan Mcaulliffe!!

I was browsing through the 'teen actors with brown hair' pictures in Google when I saw him!! I was like "OHMIGOD!!! He reminds me so much of Ben!!" He's almost similar in every way that Ben is but he's lacking a little something. The physical body of a football player. Well...I like this guy but damn, I wish he can show me some muscles (I don't mind if it's not bulky like Chris Hemsworth or Taylor Lautner) so I can just pick him on the spot. Anyway, I think he still can act as Ben even though he doesn't have the physical body like what I want Ben to have but that can be done. I think. 

Now on to Ben's next candidate...Colin Ford!!

When I first saw this picture, I thought to myself, "Hey, he can be Ben!" (plus I kinda have a small tiny little celebrity crush on him). Hey, don't mock him!! Anyway, not going to defend him since I like Callan up there too. The reason why I put him 2nd because he still doesn't quite fit the picture of Ben that I imagined. But he still can be put as Ben since he can totally act. Btw, love his recent movie "We Bought A Zoo" co-starring Elle Fanning!! Love you Elle Fanning!

...Ahem...*switch back to serious mode* If you guys don't like both of them to play as Ben, then please comment which guy you think should take his role with his photo too if can. I want to analyze every detail carefully so my imagination wouldn't mess up the storyline. 

Now onwards to Camille! I have two girls that might fit her image but I'm quite certain that one of them is definitely Camille but maybe more grown up. Although Camille have golden eyes but that doesn't mean the actresses couldn't wear contact lenses, no? Camille is only 12 going on 13 so far in the story. But both of the girls that I have chosen was already reaching 20. Maybe they can be the grown-up version Camille? After all, I do intend on having Camille to grow a few more years. Oh, I just revealed a little about the plot almost at the end. xD

Introducing Camille's (grown up version) no. 1 candidate...India Eisley!!

This is the one that I kept telling you that she's definitely Camille!! But...in my mind, Camille is (cough, cough) a bit flat-chested...and...India has boobs. Um...I guess that's what I meant by the grown-up version of Camille. ^^"

Let's now give a big welcoming applause to...Lucy Hale!!

If you compare the two, Lucy has a slightly darker tone than that of India's. That's another downside of Lucy (other than her having boobs)/ The Camille that I had in mind is fair like India not Lucy's though. But doesn't Hollywood have some kind of lightening cream or something? 

I don't mind any of these girls to play Camille when she's a bit older. But what I desperately need is some girl (without boobs) for Camille!! She has to be 12 years old or maybe one year younger at least to fit the image of long, black haired, golden-eyed, warrior-like Camille!! Gah!! Need help...T^T

Please comment with the link to the pictures if you found any...

WARNING! Emotionally Disturbed!

That's right. I'm emotionally disturbed. I'm not being sarcastic, I'm being serious. Let me give you guys a little warning first. This may or may not hurt you but it will reveal to you how I'm feeling all this time and you guys may not like it. So I suggest you to re-consider in reading this post. You guys may not understand but I appreciate you take the time to read it and is willing try to understand it. This is my true feelings and I understand that you guys wouldn't want to hang around me anymore after reading this because you don't understand what's going on with me. I totally understand. So please do not feel guilty or anything when you guys leave me alone. Although I'm emotionally disturbed, I can totally handle myself being alone.

Because that's how I mostly feel sometimes.

==============================================================

 

This emotional disturbance is not caused when the girls' crush rejected them (which did happen to me last year, but that's not my point), instead is caused by...I'm not really sure but I guess it's me? Have you  had the feeling when you see someone who is totally motivated to do something and you don't feel the drive to do anything? I do. All the time, until I got used to it and didn't even realize I was experiencing it all this time. I've seen it in many people like in my parents, my sister, a few of my friends, guys who are passionate about sports and my art teacher (I couldn't list them all down because it's too many). All this time, I've been trying to figure what's wrong with me and every time I didn't get it right, I get frustrated and angry. I couldn't find the right answer until recently when I was resting in my room, scrolling through Instagram and the Whatsapp messages that I got. I realized that I'm not motivated to do anything at all.

Maybe some people (including my friends) would think I'm self-motivated but really, I am not at all. I have to depend on other people for motivation and it's frustrating that I couldn't motivate myself at all. My sister and my parents has no problem in motivating themselves but why can't I? So, I guess I'm really angry at myself that I'm unable to push myself to do things that I really want. All these anger had exploded during tonight's dinner when I told my family that I couldn't do things that I really want.

At the time, I feel like I should blurt it out because I couldn't understand it properly. It was supposed to be a happy family time but I ruined it with my 'emotional disturbance'. Tears flowed out of my eyes when my parents keep coming up with stupid (at that time, I thought it was stupid because of my ego and anger taking over) hypothesises like I can only find consolation in other people like my friends. They even told me if that's the case, then they want me to 'get a life' without them. I furiously defended myself (sorry guys, but yes I was mostly defending me) that I have this problem since forever, way before I met you guys.

And so, they came up with another hypothesis that I'm only motivated when people praised me. I told them that it might be true but I still don't feel a very powerful urge to draw something. I only draw when I feel like it or obliged to. Then, they said many other hypothesises that I couldn't remember but to me, at the time, it was very offending.

Later, I remembered about me complaining that my mum wasn't there when I was a baby. She told me that she was there but I fired back that she was there physically but not emotionally. My mum and I debated a bit about it after. She said that she have to put her Master's degree on hold when she had me. I don't remember what happened after that but I remembered the tears that flowed out even more when she said that she doesn't understand what she did wrong to make me like this, me being so 'uninterested'.

My dad made a point that she should arrange a visit to the fashion school that me and my mum were interested in this year. We didn't manage to go last year but to be honest, it really is my mum's fault for not letting me go to see the school last year. She said that she tries to book a visit but she keeps forgetting it. We had a lot of free time after the trip to Indonesia even my mum got lots of free time but we didn't go. I was secretly angry at her for a while but I discarded the feeling away. My mum reluctantly agreed but she said that even that doesn't motivate me. The motivation must come from myself, she told me. I know but I tried so hard but I feel so...unmotivated. I guess from the tears continuously flowing from my eye sockets, I was angry about that.

When I told her repeatably that I just couldn't find the motivation in me and out of nowhere, she started to cry. She sniffed while the tears come out and managed to say, "Should we try therapy?". I don't know why she was saying that so suddenly so I blurted out a "what" with the tears drying on my cheeks. How does it feel when your mum or dad asked you if you want therapy? It'll make you feel that you're crazy. My mum was saying that her and my dad couldn't find the right answers (or did my mum say "our hypothesises that we keep coming up with is wrong"?). Whatever it is, I do not want therapy. So I mumbled angrily that I do not want it. 

My mum, distraught (is that the correct word?), told me that she is "relieving" me off my fashion designer duties. I cried even more. I don't know how is that possible with my tears already continuously flowing that I cried even more. But I just did. She thinks that she is pushing me to do what I do not want to do, like designing fashion. Inside, I broke a bit and my inner thoughts were pleading, "Please give it back! Give it back!". I guess I really want it, the duties as a fashion designer. Isn't my tears of pleading not enough? 

My mum, wiping the tears away said that I have to find my motivation and that I can do anything I want for now. I feel like shouting at her but I don't know what I will blurt out so I kept quiet, crying. When I couldn't stand the atmosphere anymore, I mumbled if I could go to my room and my dad said "okay, you're okay". I don't know if he's saying that to comfort me or not but it did little to give me any consolation. When I locked myself up in my room, I kept saying "What did I do wrong? Why am I always like this?" while crying. 

You guys may not know this but I'm the black sheep in my family. So different from almost every aspect of my family except the looks but you know what I mean. Although my mum was the one who called me that but I believe it's 100% true. I'm moody and they're always happy. I lack in motivation and they're always with a powerful drive. I'm cold and they're warm. Almost all of the personalities that my family had was almost completely opposite of mine. I guess that's why I always fought with my parents. We had different thinking. It was always like this. 

I would feel alone with what I truly feel and think. That's why I feel so unmotivated, I guess. I don't like feeling alone but it's a feeling that I gotten used to since I was in primary school. Although I'm glad that people talked to me, I can't help feeling unsatisfied. Maybe it's because I kept my true feelings inside? 

If you're now doubting about me being honest when I confessed to Cat the last time, I'm telling you I was not lying when I said I like him. It's quite rare for me to feel anything like this for any guy. Although I can have see-crush (Rayne's term of calling those people that you fall for when you only see them), but this one is different. I'm glad that I confessed to him because I know that I was being honest. My true feelings came out. It's...really rare.

I have to say that my true feelings do come out when I'm with other people like my close friends but (definitely and especially) my family. 

I still feel angry though. I don't know but I'm seriously considering this therapy thing. I am emotionally unstable so maybe I need it. 

=========================================================

Updates on Fashion Blog and Life

Like the title said, I'm going to update on my other blog, The Fashion Designer Wannabe. It would be great if you guys follow it. Oh, that reminds me. Thank you, sweet_me and Lonelyness for commenting on my design! Because of you, I got a better picture of what design I should put next. In fact, I'm going to post about a project that I'm working on after I come back from Indonesia.

Ah, yes. Indonesia. I'm going to Indonesia with my family from 22nd November (which is tomorrow) until 8th December. This is bad because I won't be going to Hobbycon since it's on 8th (or is it 9th?) December. After the Indonesia, I also have some important activity other than the convention so I'm sincerely sorry if you don't see me there. To make up for it, I'll post a picture of me in my Alice cosplay. I will make the picture look really nice so please don't be mad at me. =(

Did I mention that I was working on a project? Oh, I did. Yes, I'm working on a skirt actually with my sis as the model. Although I think that the now-unfinished skirt is not turning out to be what I expected but I'm still curious at what it could become. So, I just kept on sewing it. But, how can you sew when you don't have the equipments designed for it? Actually, both my mum and I with my aunt bought a sewing machine for me!!! I already started using it for the skirt a few days ago. At the beginning when I was such a noob, I got pissed when I couldn't get it to work until my dear mum helped me. I was so embarrased until I was determined to finish the skirt before going to Indonesia. But given to the lack of experience and short time, I have to postpone it until after coming back from Indonesia.

^u^ Here's what the sewing machine looks like.

Thank you Mummy for the early Christmas present! ^3^

To those who follows me on Instagram or my blog, you may already know that I cut my bangs and pierced my ears. It was a bit random when I did it so I can't really say much about it except that maybe I look more mature? I'll just show you how the earring look like because I'm too lazy to describe it or maybe I'm just too sleepy. It's almost 2 am when I'm writing this. I know that I shouldn't do this but I want to update my blog before I go to Indonesia.

I need to go now guys! So comment!

Story: Chapter 2 (part 3)

A/N: I enjoy writing this part. Please enjoy! That would totally make me happy!

=================================================

~Camille POV~

            “Grandpa? Is that really you?” I said when the elderly man suddenly hugged me. “Yes”, the man said softly, trying to hold in a sob. He loosened his hug and he looked at my face. “After these last few years…I couldn’t…” Grandpa said as he wiped his tears forming in his eyes.

“Years? I’ve just arrived”, I said, correcting my grandfather. Grandpa immediately stopped touching his face and looked at me with a confused look. “What do you mean, child? 3 years have passed since I last saw you and your parents”, he said.

I shook my head. “No, Grandpa. I’ve only just arrived from the…um…incident in the village”, I glanced at Benjamin, who’s staring at us from a distance, not sure if I can trust him or not. Who knows if he’s in a pact with that evil witch?

“What?” Benjamin said. Grandpa grabbed my shoulders and looked me from top to bottom. “This is not possible! That damned witch! This must be her doing!” he said as he pushed me. I wanted to believe it was an accident but he pushed me until I almost tripped.

“Whoa, gramps! Carrie almost fell!” Benjamin said.

 “It’s Camille”, I said again after so many times. “And I’m fine”.

“Whatever, he still pushed you. He should at least apologize”, he said, ignoring me completely. Didn’t I just say that I’m fine? He told Grandpa to at least apologize but Grandpa just ignored him and rummaged through the contents of the drawers behind the counter. If anyone would ask, I would deny that he’s my grandfather because in front of me, he is a mad man who keeps muttering the word “witch”.

           I was about to stop Grandpa when I noticed something's wrong; my body won't move. It's like I've been stopped by cold, invisble hands. I tried to move my legs but they won't budge. Then, I felt cold hands on my shoulders and immediately I stopped struggling. Who are you? I wanted to ask but my throat went dry.

             Then, I heard this person's voice whispered in my ear. A woman's voice.

            "Give...him...back..."            

            “Gramps, stop it already!” Benjamin's voice snapped out of my frozen stance. By then, Benjamin managed to stop Grandpa from creating chaos with another drawer but Grandpa kept on resisting. I pushed my confusion aside and helped Benjamin calm him down but our efforts are failing. Grandpa kept swinging his arms to loosen Benjamin’s grip on him and I have to avoid his fists when he swings them around. Finally, he punched Benjamin in the jaw making him unconscious.

            “Benjamin!” I shouted when I ran to his side. He was lying on the ground on his right side, still breathing. This is going too far. I grabbed a book with a hard cover on the counter and hit my grandfather in the head. He immediately collapsed to the ground, leaving me with two unconscious people to take care of.

            “This is going well...” I said when I noticed the aftermath of the struggle in the shop.

==================================

What happened with Camille's grandfather? Whose voice that whispered to Camille does it belong to? And who does she meant when she said 'Give him back'?

Wuahahaha!! Cliffhanger!! Comment please! *grins*