WARNING! Emotionally Disturbed!

That's right. I'm emotionally disturbed. I'm not being sarcastic, I'm being serious. Let me give you guys a little warning first. This may or may not hurt you but it will reveal to you how I'm feeling all this time and you guys may not like it. So I suggest you to re-consider in reading this post. You guys may not understand but I appreciate you take the time to read it and is willing try to understand it. This is my true feelings and I understand that you guys wouldn't want to hang around me anymore after reading this because you don't understand what's going on with me. I totally understand. So please do not feel guilty or anything when you guys leave me alone. Although I'm emotionally disturbed, I can totally handle myself being alone.

Because that's how I mostly feel sometimes.

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This emotional disturbance is not caused when the girls' crush rejected them (which did happen to me last year, but that's not my point), instead is caused by...I'm not really sure but I guess it's me? Have you  had the feeling when you see someone who is totally motivated to do something and you don't feel the drive to do anything? I do. All the time, until I got used to it and didn't even realize I was experiencing it all this time. I've seen it in many people like in my parents, my sister, a few of my friends, guys who are passionate about sports and my art teacher (I couldn't list them all down because it's too many). All this time, I've been trying to figure what's wrong with me and every time I didn't get it right, I get frustrated and angry. I couldn't find the right answer until recently when I was resting in my room, scrolling through Instagram and the Whatsapp messages that I got. I realized that I'm not motivated to do anything at all.

Maybe some people (including my friends) would think I'm self-motivated but really, I am not at all. I have to depend on other people for motivation and it's frustrating that I couldn't motivate myself at all. My sister and my parents has no problem in motivating themselves but why can't I? So, I guess I'm really angry at myself that I'm unable to push myself to do things that I really want. All these anger had exploded during tonight's dinner when I told my family that I couldn't do things that I really want.

At the time, I feel like I should blurt it out because I couldn't understand it properly. It was supposed to be a happy family time but I ruined it with my 'emotional disturbance'. Tears flowed out of my eyes when my parents keep coming up with stupid (at that time, I thought it was stupid because of my ego and anger taking over) hypothesises like I can only find consolation in other people like my friends. They even told me if that's the case, then they want me to 'get a life' without them. I furiously defended myself (sorry guys, but yes I was mostly defending me) that I have this problem since forever, way before I met you guys.

And so, they came up with another hypothesis that I'm only motivated when people praised me. I told them that it might be true but I still don't feel a very powerful urge to draw something. I only draw when I feel like it or obliged to. Then, they said many other hypothesises that I couldn't remember but to me, at the time, it was very offending.

Later, I remembered about me complaining that my mum wasn't there when I was a baby. She told me that she was there but I fired back that she was there physically but not emotionally. My mum and I debated a bit about it after. She said that she have to put her Master's degree on hold when she had me. I don't remember what happened after that but I remembered the tears that flowed out even more when she said that she doesn't understand what she did wrong to make me like this, me being so 'uninterested'.

My dad made a point that she should arrange a visit to the fashion school that me and my mum were interested in this year. We didn't manage to go last year but to be honest, it really is my mum's fault for not letting me go to see the school last year. She said that she tries to book a visit but she keeps forgetting it. We had a lot of free time after the trip to Indonesia even my mum got lots of free time but we didn't go. I was secretly angry at her for a while but I discarded the feeling away. My mum reluctantly agreed but she said that even that doesn't motivate me. The motivation must come from myself, she told me. I know but I tried so hard but I feel so...unmotivated. I guess from the tears continuously flowing from my eye sockets, I was angry about that.

When I told her repeatably that I just couldn't find the motivation in me and out of nowhere, she started to cry. She sniffed while the tears come out and managed to say, "Should we try therapy?". I don't know why she was saying that so suddenly so I blurted out a "what" with the tears drying on my cheeks. How does it feel when your mum or dad asked you if you want therapy? It'll make you feel that you're crazy. My mum was saying that her and my dad couldn't find the right answers (or did my mum say "our hypothesises that we keep coming up with is wrong"?). Whatever it is, I do not want therapy. So I mumbled angrily that I do not want it. 

My mum, distraught (is that the correct word?), told me that she is "relieving" me off my fashion designer duties. I cried even more. I don't know how is that possible with my tears already continuously flowing that I cried even more. But I just did. She thinks that she is pushing me to do what I do not want to do, like designing fashion. Inside, I broke a bit and my inner thoughts were pleading, "Please give it back! Give it back!". I guess I really want it, the duties as a fashion designer. Isn't my tears of pleading not enough? 

My mum, wiping the tears away said that I have to find my motivation and that I can do anything I want for now. I feel like shouting at her but I don't know what I will blurt out so I kept quiet, crying. When I couldn't stand the atmosphere anymore, I mumbled if I could go to my room and my dad said "okay, you're okay". I don't know if he's saying that to comfort me or not but it did little to give me any consolation. When I locked myself up in my room, I kept saying "What did I do wrong? Why am I always like this?" while crying. 

You guys may not know this but I'm the black sheep in my family. So different from almost every aspect of my family except the looks but you know what I mean. Although my mum was the one who called me that but I believe it's 100% true. I'm moody and they're always happy. I lack in motivation and they're always with a powerful drive. I'm cold and they're warm. Almost all of the personalities that my family had was almost completely opposite of mine. I guess that's why I always fought with my parents. We had different thinking. It was always like this. 

I would feel alone with what I truly feel and think. That's why I feel so unmotivated, I guess. I don't like feeling alone but it's a feeling that I gotten used to since I was in primary school. Although I'm glad that people talked to me, I can't help feeling unsatisfied. Maybe it's because I kept my true feelings inside? 

If you're now doubting about me being honest when I confessed to Cat the last time, I'm telling you I was not lying when I said I like him. It's quite rare for me to feel anything like this for any guy. Although I can have see-crush (Rayne's term of calling those people that you fall for when you only see them), but this one is different. I'm glad that I confessed to him because I know that I was being honest. My true feelings came out. It's...really rare.

I have to say that my true feelings do come out when I'm with other people like my close friends but (definitely and especially) my family. 

I still feel angry though. I don't know but I'm seriously considering this therapy thing. I am emotionally unstable so maybe I need it. 

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Updates on Fashion Blog and Life

Like the title said, I'm going to update on my other blog, The Fashion Designer Wannabe. It would be great if you guys follow it. Oh, that reminds me. Thank you, sweet_me and Lonelyness for commenting on my design! Because of you, I got a better picture of what design I should put next. In fact, I'm going to post about a project that I'm working on after I come back from Indonesia.

Ah, yes. Indonesia. I'm going to Indonesia with my family from 22nd November (which is tomorrow) until 8th December. This is bad because I won't be going to Hobbycon since it's on 8th (or is it 9th?) December. After the Indonesia, I also have some important activity other than the convention so I'm sincerely sorry if you don't see me there. To make up for it, I'll post a picture of me in my Alice cosplay. I will make the picture look really nice so please don't be mad at me. =(

Did I mention that I was working on a project? Oh, I did. Yes, I'm working on a skirt actually with my sis as the model. Although I think that the now-unfinished skirt is not turning out to be what I expected but I'm still curious at what it could become. So, I just kept on sewing it. But, how can you sew when you don't have the equipments designed for it? Actually, both my mum and I with my aunt bought a sewing machine for me!!! I already started using it for the skirt a few days ago. At the beginning when I was such a noob, I got pissed when I couldn't get it to work until my dear mum helped me. I was so embarrased until I was determined to finish the skirt before going to Indonesia. But given to the lack of experience and short time, I have to postpone it until after coming back from Indonesia.

^u^ Here's what the sewing machine looks like.

Thank you Mummy for the early Christmas present! ^3^

To those who follows me on Instagram or my blog, you may already know that I cut my bangs and pierced my ears. It was a bit random when I did it so I can't really say much about it except that maybe I look more mature? I'll just show you how the earring look like because I'm too lazy to describe it or maybe I'm just too sleepy. It's almost 2 am when I'm writing this. I know that I shouldn't do this but I want to update my blog before I go to Indonesia.

I need to go now guys! So comment!

Story: Chapter 2 (part 3)

A/N: I enjoy writing this part. Please enjoy! That would totally make me happy!

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~Camille POV~

            “Grandpa? Is that really you?” I said when the elderly man suddenly hugged me. “Yes”, the man said softly, trying to hold in a sob. He loosened his hug and he looked at my face. “After these last few years…I couldn’t…” Grandpa said as he wiped his tears forming in his eyes.

“Years? I’ve just arrived”, I said, correcting my grandfather. Grandpa immediately stopped touching his face and looked at me with a confused look. “What do you mean, child? 3 years have passed since I last saw you and your parents”, he said.

I shook my head. “No, Grandpa. I’ve only just arrived from the…um…incident in the village”, I glanced at Benjamin, who’s staring at us from a distance, not sure if I can trust him or not. Who knows if he’s in a pact with that evil witch?

“What?” Benjamin said. Grandpa grabbed my shoulders and looked me from top to bottom. “This is not possible! That damned witch! This must be her doing!” he said as he pushed me. I wanted to believe it was an accident but he pushed me until I almost tripped.

“Whoa, gramps! Carrie almost fell!” Benjamin said.

 “It’s Camille”, I said again after so many times. “And I’m fine”.

“Whatever, he still pushed you. He should at least apologize”, he said, ignoring me completely. Didn’t I just say that I’m fine? He told Grandpa to at least apologize but Grandpa just ignored him and rummaged through the contents of the drawers behind the counter. If anyone would ask, I would deny that he’s my grandfather because in front of me, he is a mad man who keeps muttering the word “witch”.

           I was about to stop Grandpa when I noticed something's wrong; my body won't move. It's like I've been stopped by cold, invisble hands. I tried to move my legs but they won't budge. Then, I felt cold hands on my shoulders and immediately I stopped struggling. Who are you? I wanted to ask but my throat went dry.

             Then, I heard this person's voice whispered in my ear. A woman's voice.

            "Give...him...back..."            

            “Gramps, stop it already!” Benjamin's voice snapped out of my frozen stance. By then, Benjamin managed to stop Grandpa from creating chaos with another drawer but Grandpa kept on resisting. I pushed my confusion aside and helped Benjamin calm him down but our efforts are failing. Grandpa kept swinging his arms to loosen Benjamin’s grip on him and I have to avoid his fists when he swings them around. Finally, he punched Benjamin in the jaw making him unconscious.

            “Benjamin!” I shouted when I ran to his side. He was lying on the ground on his right side, still breathing. This is going too far. I grabbed a book with a hard cover on the counter and hit my grandfather in the head. He immediately collapsed to the ground, leaving me with two unconscious people to take care of.

            “This is going well...” I said when I noticed the aftermath of the struggle in the shop.

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What happened with Camille's grandfather? Whose voice that whispered to Camille does it belong to? And who does she meant when she said 'Give him back'?

Wuahahaha!! Cliffhanger!! Comment please! *grins*

Story: Chapter 2 (part 2)

A/N: Hope you enjoy!

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~R.K. POV~

    “Blasted spell book!” I said as I threw the musty book to the stone floor. The pages from the book flew out when it landed on the floor. I paced around the room as I mumbled curses at the 3 spells that failed to deliver their purposes; time travel. Even the spell that turns back the last 43 seconds failed to work. “This doesn’t make any sense. All of the spells contained in this room—a few spells excepted—fails to work”, I said in front of the mirror.

            I have been researching and trying out the spells that is contained in this room but only a few spells worked. One of those is the ‘youth’ spell. Out of curiosity, I tried the spell and it worked splendidly until I looked 20 years younger. This surprised the few people that I have known since I owned the bookstore. As usual, I have to make up a story to cover it up. After trying other spells, I’ve concluded that the reason most of the spells wouldn’t work is that this ‘time’ has no magic.  

            I sighed frustatedly at the thought of not being able to go back. To relieve myself, I muttered, “Visus” and immediately a small orb-like object appeared before me. If one look inside the orb, he or she can show the happenings in a certain place. To the people of this ‘time’, they would describe it similar to a mechanical device called a “camera”.

‘At least this one works’, I thought. I commanded the orb to show me the inside of the bookstore where the counter can be seen.

“What the devil?! That couldn’t be!” I stumbled backwards when I saw who was at the counter with Benjamin. I quickly muttered the spell to teleport me back to the bookstore. When I find myself right where the corner is, I ran to the counter.

“Whoa, Mr Kingstone! Chill!” Benjamin said as I almost fell into him. “E-excuse me…for th—“, I couldn’t finish what I said because I couldn’t help but hug the smaller customer. Although she’s wearing a pair of black jeans and a frilly-sleeved shirt instead of the usual hood or shawl, she really is my beloved granddaughter.

“Grandpa?” Camille said.

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COMMENT!!! XD

Story: Chapter 2 (Part 1)

A/N: Hi guys! I'm so sorry that I haven't post anything about my story for so long. I was doing a lot of editing and rewriting to fit the story because I had so many ideas!! Finally, I stick to this one instead. The first and second part of this chapter is going to be narrated in Camille's grandpa's angle. I was so stressed thinking, "This is so hard, thinking like an old wise man".

Anyway, read on! I hope you guys like it! Comment ok? >3<

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~R.K. (Robert Kingstone) POV~

            “Thank you for purchasing from Kingstone’s Bookstore”, I said with a smile as I handed the purchased item to the female customer. She took the bestselling book titled, “Fifty Shades of Grey” and headed to the door. The bell that is situated on top of the door rang as she pushed it open.

            After that, it was silent. I looked around the store to make sure that no else is around. I checked my watch and took note that a package delivery will come at 9.05 am—which is exactly one hour from now. “Yes, there would be enough time to try that”, I said, thinking out loud.

            I went to the back corner of the store where the book racks were covering the spot and tapped the cracked wall three times before whispering, “Ardor”. Then, I quickly closed my eyes when I felt a sudden strong wind circling around me and lifted me into the air. A few moments later, I felt my shoes touching the ground again and the wind died down. I opened my eyes and found myself in a dimly-lit room with only a few candles as source of light. Bottles and glass tubes are arranged neatly in one side of the room and a large rack of old books can be seen on the other side of the room.

            “As usual, the teleport magic is basic but it never failed to function properly. Unlike others”, I said, basically to no one. One of the habits that I developed over the years is saying what I’m thinking out loud. This might have developed due to the fact that I’m usually alone in the bookstore—also when I’m in this certain room. Before I own the bookstore, I found the secret passage to this room by accident. I decided to gather all my savings and buy the store from the previous owner to make use of the secret passage with free will. This happened right before my deceased friend’s grandchildren first came to the house.

            “Now, let’s start working. This time, for sure, I’m going to get it right.”

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On with the next part! ^^

Updates on my love life and...hair

On the graduation night of my school, I confessed to Cat (the guy that I like). It's not the fact he rejected me that pisses or upsets me, it is the way he rejected me. When I whispered "I like you" in his ear, he said "Oh my god" and turned away. WHAT KIND OF REJECTION IS THAT?!?!?! The funny thing is my friend who has a crush on his younger brother and (indirectly) confessed to him, he also rejected in almost a similar way!! I know that it is sudden but that doesn't mean you couldn't at least gather yourself for a moment and think of a proper reply instead of saying "Oh my god".

After he said that, I quickly told him not to tell anyone about what happened before I left him at the spot. He soon walked to the toilet which is near the stairs where I confessed to him. On the way, he met two of my close friends and said to them, "Are you kidding me?" before walking away. They thought that he thought my confession was a joke. But I know better; he knew from the beginning that it wasn't a joke and he really did reject me. My friends thought it wasn't like that at first but one of them talked with him. She told us that he didn't think it was a prank played by us and he is just shocked to suddenly been confessed by me.

Ugh! I get that you will be shocked when suddenly a person that you rarely know confessed to you but....I just can't help but get frustated about it!! Everytime I see him (the last time I saw him was on Thursday), my chest hurt and I avoided his eye contact. You know what? I should stop writing about him right now and write about what happened today. Because I think it may be important (well, for me only I think).

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Tada!! My new haircut!! >///<

OMG...I'm so embarrassed right now. Look at my bangs and my uneven skin tone O///O (sorry, I have both sides of me debating whether to post this pic and whether I should put a pic of myself on Instagram). I cut my bangs just today, right before piano class. At first, I wanted to cut my hair short because of my unruly hair but I decided to cut only the bangs after I think about it more. Maybe I can style myself in a slightly different angle now....

So um...comment please!! *blush*

Updates!

I just woke up from a long restful sleep after coming back from the new house that we're going to move in next week and now, I'm watching K-pop while writing typing this. According to science, this is called 'multi-tasking' (heheh, I know XD). I'm quite bored after I did so many things today.

After I logged into my blog, I read a comment on one of my recent post (the one before this) and I kinda felt a bit better about the whole situation. Although, sweet_me is not really one of those people who is in the fault because...I guess, you can say she understands the situation and tries not to make it worse. So, she's in my okay list. (^^ Thanks, sweet_me for the appreciation!)

Anyway, today we're supposed to look at bicycles and stuff but because of the people who suppose to come to the new house today at 2 for the furnitures were so effing late. We waited one hour and when my mum called them, they said that they were told to come there at 5!! Since we couldn't stand waiting another minute in the (not so) dusty new house, we went back our current home.

So, officially the bicycle shopping and the real shopping is cancelled. Because of that, I can't go to Suria to buy Lonelyness a birthday gift. I'm sorry Lonelyness!!! T^T